It shouldn’t come as a surprise that my mood hasn’t exactly been the best recently. I mean, I’ve mentioned it in previous entries here. N0r has it been that long since my last entry. Not long at all, in fact. But my mood continues to worsen. I need to collect my thoughts somewhere, and here’s arguably the best place (might share what I’m writing at therapy tomorrow, I dunno). I’m hesitant to air publicly the precise reasons for my mood being as it is recently; even if no one reads this blog currently a future employer may stumble upon it, and though this is personal, the personal and the professional are never truly separate.
The effects, however, I feel more than comfortable elaborating upon. Lack of motivation, lack of energy, it’s hard to fall asleep in the night and even harder to wake up in the morning, lack of appetite punctuated by ravenous hunger, a pervasive sense of apathy (including spacing out for minutes at a time) punctuated by mind-splitting terror. On some level, I get that I shouldn’t be reacting like this to these three events. But unfortunately my mind operates under the Hobbesian principle of bellum omnium contra omnes and as such I have no way of being certain what perspective I ought to take regarding them. Tatyana says that I should stop listening so much to my inner prosecutor and to start listening to my inner advocate. But when I do that I end up being disappointed. All the time. My inner advocate tells me to love myself and to put myself out there, but when I do that it ultimately backfires, always, or so it feels.
Anyway, so it goes with God I guess.
Sierpinski Tetrahedron 