I had another night of poor, restless sleep. I kept waking up every five to ten minutes; at times, every minute or two. I think half an hour was the longest I had been asleep without waking. Despite this, I dreamed. Repetitive dreams, a hundred variations on the same predictable theme (take a wild guess.) Minutes asleep felt like hours, days even. Despite this, or maybe this warped perception of time is a symptom, I woke up utterly exhausted. But that exhaustion I could not afford: around 5 AM, the fire alarm blared its ghastly cacophony, and I had to throw something on and exit my building for a time. I chatted with a few of my classmates who also live in the building, but my mood is still sour. It’s been sour since Monday night, honestly. I hope Kerry’s okay; she’s going through a lot, too.
I’m in Property with Prof. Kahan (until just before noon) as I type this out. By the time I post, it might be late afternoon. We’re covering estate law and future interests; I’m confident in my understanding of the material, perhaps overconfident. I might go to the Mindful Moment Cimino’s hosting immediately after class. On an unrelated note, I craved tuna tartare for dinner on Monday, but out of (perhaps misplaced) solidarity with Kerry, I ended up staying inside; don’t worry, I had chicken and falafel over rice for lunch on Monday, so I was fine. The sushi place between campus and my apartment was closed yesterday, so I might go before LegReg today.
I’m very superstitious. I mean, I’m constantly worried that I’m jinxing myself, and I assign tremendous weight to whatever I dream. Sometimes dreams are just dreams, sure, but others are Strange Dreams™ which I must heed, and if I don’t… well, maybe it’s self-fulfilling, or maybe I really am inviting disaster. I’m not sure if I mentioned it here, but it often feels like I have a certain store of good fortune (dependent on how moral I’ve been recently), and that if I need more good luck than I have, I incur a kind of debt that must be balanced through bad things happening to me. But I know that sounds ridiculous to other people, “God is not a cosmic tallyman” and all that. Under my framework, I know I should stop procrastinating on my assignments and on doing housework to fix my credit score with Fortuna. But maybe that’s like a ritual specialist of distant antiquity performing a midwinter rite to ensure the sun returns come spring.
I wish Kerry would call sooner rather than later. We talked Monday morning and afternoon just before LegReg, but there’s been radio silence since Monday night. I tried calling yesterday evening and again last night, but got no answer. She’s been busy with her Master’s, sure, and she has a lot on her plate (not just how messy things are with me), but it’s really hard not to read into things. I’ve been reading into the songs she set as her Instagram statuses, both by Annabelle Dinda. A certain sense of uncertainty is bleeding through, and I’m not sure if my trying to be there is helping or only making things more confusing. I don’t know. But I miss her terribly.
Sierpinski Tetrahedron 